sex with y

y. and i saw each other over spring break. we ended up in my bed making out. he was naked, i had everything off but my underwear. i had to leave to get a haircut, he came over again later. it was implied to be for sex. i freaked out. he was over and i had a panic attack. i wouldnt even let him kiss me.

i do want to fuck him. we've talked a bit since, i think it will happen. i want him to be emotionally attached to me but i don't want him to want to date me.

if o. found out he'd lose it. i can't even imagine his reaction. he hates y. so much. i feel like im doing this partly because i want to fuck for the fun and practice of it, partly for validation from a man, and partly to feel like im letting go of o. in some way. i wonder if o. and i will talk over winter break. the thought of seeing him and fucking y. the same day makes me feel guilty but so so free.

im experiencing some weird cognitive dissonance about o. hes acting like the man i thought he was before we were together