mrs scalystone the unhappy feminist

y. and i saw each other over spring break. we ended up in my bed making out. he was naked, i had everything off but my underwear. i had to leave to get a haircut, he came over again later. it was implied to be for sex. i freaked out. he was over and i had a panic attack. i wouldnt even let him kiss me.

i do want to fuck him. we've talked a bit since, i think it will happen. i want him to be emotionally attached to me but i don't want him to want to date me.

if o. found out he'd lose it. i can't even imagine his reaction. he hates y. so much. i feel like im doing this partly because i want to fuck for the fun and practice of it, partly for validation from a man, and partly to feel like im letting go of o. in some way. i wonder if o. and i will talk over winter break. the thought of seeing him and fucking y. the same day makes me feel guilty but so so free.

im experiencing some weird cognitive dissonance about o. hes acting like the man i thought he was before we were together

you come along because i love your face :)

y. texted me and said hes attracted to me and that he likes having my attention. it feels weirdly monumental and satisfying to me. i dont know what i want from him but ive spent 7 years wanting him to like me and he does.

he said "i just think youre amazing"

he thinks im amazing.

we had such a weird toxic friendship. im glad we stopped being friends for a while, i think it was healthy for both of us. i truly don't know if im attracted to him or not. i wonder what he likes about me. i wonder how long hes felt this way. i wonder why he texted me. i wonder what hes feeling.

there was a time when i imagined us together, imagined him as the father of my children. i dont want to speak about his potential future self, but the boy i knew him as would not have made a good father. he was so self important, so pretentious, so much like me (but with less social awareness and more intelligence)

as i was leaving my mom told me she thinks we're going to end up like her and my grandmother. she said, "i think back to our relationship when i was your age, we were close then. but the older i got the more she frustrated me." the older i get the more she frustrates me. the older i get the more incongruent her perception of me is with my reality. she will never speak to me like a peer. it is stifling, suffocating, and unstoppable. maybe she sees something i am choosing not to see because it terrifies me. it is saddening how happy i am to be back. this independence does wonders for me. why am i incapable of being functional there and so on top of it here? its like i know there's no point in trying to do anything well when she will inevitably find some flaw and redo it herself.

all the leaves changed color while i was gone. its so beautiful here. my life is abundant in so many ways. i am frequently happy. the weather is beautiful. i am still empty somehow. maybe its the constant feeling that i am so obviously out of place to everyone around me. i am so certain they know i am Other.

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Everything's growing in our garden
You don't have to know that it's haunted

i cant be with him. i could never hide it forever. i could never choose him over julie. i will never choose him and instead i am dragging him along. i am ruining his life. every second i entertain him is another second he will spend pining for me.

The doctor put her hands over my liver
She told me my resentment's getting smaller

i am trying not to hate girls. truly. i try not to hate them for the way men want them. i try not to hate them for being lovely and kind. i feel like a rotten pulsing putrid thing. i know that no one elses success means i am a failure. no one elses happiness takes anything from me. no ones beauty is a personal attack. i will not allow my own self hatred manifest as hatred towards others. i will not let myself resent people for their hotness or sluttiness or happiness. my failures are mine. my sadness is mine. it begets itself.

No, I'm not afraid of hard work

stop being afraid of the road ahead.

I get everything I want

i do.

I have everything I wanted

this is everything. this was my dream. god, let it be enough. please, please, please let this be enough for me. im tired of wanting more. im tired of not allowing myself to be happy.

j. i have ruined your life. i have ruined you. how can i live with myself?

i feel like im dying.

asked c. to be straightforward and asked if he wanted to fuck. he said no. hes been dicking me around by kissing me and ignoring me over for nearly a month now. im so sick of him. i wish i wasn't attracted to him physically because nothing about his personality is appealing.

i miss my ex so much. i feel like we didn't have sexual chemistry but it was so so so domestic, so loving, so comfortable. i knew him and he knew me. we did so much for one another. i felt so loved and wanted and cared for. we started dating when i was 16 and broke up at 18. nearly 2 years. i miss his little accents and sounds and our coffee dates. i wish he was here with me. he was supposed to come to college with me. it would all be so different. i made bad choice after bad choice and now hes gone forever. hes going to be with someone else soon. the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. i want to be his girl. i was his girl.

i have no appetite. i have a sickening sense of dread. i dont know where to go from here. what do i do with myself? i want to ignore c. but doesn't that make me an asshole who only wanted him for sex? but then, what the fuck did he want me for? just to be some girl on his roster? why would i want that? i guess the most pertinent point is he doesn't give a fuck what i want.

i feel like ive ruined my life. i know it wont always feel like that. but it does.

"you let a teenage love decay inside you, now you lie bare for another man whispering lines from movie girls who look nothing like you. its revolting, but you think of breakfast as the headboard squeaks. yes, love swallowed you whole at 17 and you never learned to want again."

why am i always horny? its humiliating. im horny for guys im not even attracted to. the second i even brush a guys hand i imagine his cock. is this a symptom of something psychological? some combination of being insecure and sexually frustrated? its torture but at the same time i love it. being slutty feels exhilarating, i feel like i wouldn't mind being an actual slut except i cant for the life of me get dick.

i've been into 3 guys since starting school a month ago and i fucked one of them and kissed another but cant seem to get farther than that. i think he lost interest in me once the chase was over and he knew he could fuck me. kind of upset he didn't. it makes me wonder if im unattractive or unfuckable.

the guy that i fucked in the second week of school was so unattractive that he repulses me now. he was so insecure it made him deeply unmasculine in a way that grossed me out. i could feel his insecurity radiating off him. im surprised he didnt go soft. it was shitty and i knew it would be. but i wanted dick and he was there.

im a bad person.

here is what happened as i recall:

last 3 weeks: he spoke to me frequently, often stopping me on the way to class or the dining hall, asked for my instagram, etc

tuesday: he invited me to a field with him and a few of his friends. we sat and watched the sunset. they played guitar and sang, i listened, content and happy. i thought he was so attractive. him and his friend played chess once it was dark. they struggled to hold the light so i offered. i held up my phone for them. i sat next to c. and our knees were touching. he shifted and i thought he was moving away from me but he pressed closer. i thought then that he might like me. they gave up on chess and our group started talking. he laid on the grass and told me i should as well. he put his arm around me. a few times he rubbed my arm when i shivered. everyone eventually trickled out. he said “and then there were two.” then he said “you can probably tell i have a bit of a crush on you.” i asked “why?” he said “well i really wanted you to come to my party, i wanted you here, you’re really pretty.” he told me it was cute the way i swung my legs back and forth. he tried to kiss me and i was shocked and turned my head. he was apologetic. i turned back and apologized. he said “this is what i was trying to do” and kissed me again. he walked me back to my dorm. i kissed him. i had to stand on my tiptoes.

wednesday: he invited me to his birthday party on saturday. he said he loved my baking and asked if i wanted to bake with him at his house before the party. i was so excited. i said yes. he called his mom and i said hi to her. it was cute and awkward. he called me later and said he was going to a cafe. i was high and incapacitated so i didn’t offer to come. i said “have fun” in a way that maybe sounded bitchy.

thursday: he acted normal in class, he gave me honey to make cornbread with. he asked me to come with him to his dorm after class. he showed me a book. we sat on his bed together and i thought he was going to kiss me but his roommate j.e. walked in. c. said he had work in an hour but he asked if i wanted to go smoke a joint with him in the woods. i said yes- j.e. tagged along, clearly not picking up on the implications. we all talked before j.e. headed off. once he was gone, c. admitted he wanted to be alone with me. he kissed me again. then he left for work.

friday: every friday he hosts an event where he makes stew for ~35 and its a big party. he started cooking at 8am. i made cornbread. i don’t like these occasions much because they’re full of people i dont know and i always feel awkward and childish and out of place. but i like c. and want excuses to be around him. i find it easier to attend parties when i bring something as an icebreaker so i made cornbread and everyone loved it. he said hi a couple times at the party but was understandably occupied for most of it. i noticed how much one girl, b., was hanging off his shoulder and how much he touched her. i hate her. a few people played guitar, including c.. i was so attracted to him. there was a party happening at 8:30 AFTER his stew party. people started trickling out to get ready for that. i got up and he said “i’ll see you tomorrow” i took that to mean he assumed i wasn’t going to the party afterwards and clearly he wasn’t going to invite me. it hurt my feelings a little. i told him i was just going to sit somewhere else for a while, not leaving yet. he shrugged and walked away. i was drunk and horny at the party and saw him in a group of friends. i tried to get his attention. he never spoke to me. i still had an amazing time with my friends, thankfully. this is so embarrassing but afterwards i texted him asking if he was there. he said yes. he had gone skinny dipping and to waffle house at 3am. i was jealous.

saturday: in the morning i saw him at the dining hall. we spoke a bit- it was stilted. he said it was probably too late to bake at his house. i was sad but i agreed. it was so awkward. i dont get along with his friends much at all. i usually sit quietly and listen while they talk. it made me unsure if i wanted to go to his party at all. i went to leave and he said (see you later" and i said "probably not." i regretted this though. later i texted him and said i did want to go. he said "come" and sent me the address. later he called and asked if i wanted a ride to the party and i said that would be really nice. he told me to be ready at 4:30. at 4:30 i waited to hear from him but he never called. at 5:45 i called him and asked if he had already left. they left without me. i told him i would come anyway and he said to. it was so embarrassing but i wanted to see him. i wanted to fuck him. when i got to the party he told me he felt really bad. he ignored me most of the night, there were times when it even seemed like he was avoiding me. he got so fucked up. they were all making plans to leave and go to a different party back on campus. as they headed out i realized i was about to be left alone, high and drunk, at his house with his family. i begged a random couple to take me with them and they agreed. when we got back to campus they left me alone and i sat at a table with a group of 3 girls (i knew one from class) and i started to sob.

sunday: he called and asked if i needed a ride to my car at his house. he doesn't drive though. he was volunteering his friend. i said no. my friend took me to his house and i got my car.

monday: radio silence. i hoped he would come into the cafe where i work but i didnt see him.

tuesday: saw him in class. made eye contact for a moment. he spoke to the boy next to me. he didn't speak to me and it almost felt pointed. we were let out of class early and he was gone before i had even packed my bag.

wednesday: he came into the cafe for lunch. i was busy so i didnt say hi. afterwards as i was walking out he stopped me. he asked me if i was going to come to his stew party on friday and i said i wasnt. he told me he was going to go smoke later and said i should come. he said he would call me. he called me and said i should come down to the pavilion outside his dorm where he and his friend were sitting. i did, and sat with them for an hour before he had to go to work. i walked to his job with him. he didn't say or do anything to display interest. it was sweet but very confusing. im starting to wonder if i made everything up

thursday: i have class with him later. feeling anticipatory

the way this makes me feel is frustrating. im not even trying to date him. i want something brief with him, im attracted to him. but the way hes manipulating me is working. i wish i could get with my ra (unrelated)