mrs scalystone the unhappy feminist

as i was leaving my mom told me she thinks we're going to end up like her and my grandmother. she said, "i think back to our relationship when i was your age, we were close then. but the older i got the more she frustrated me." the older i get the more she frustrates me. the older i get the more incongruent her perception of me is with my reality. she will never speak to me like a peer. it is stifling, suffocating, and unstoppable. maybe she sees something i am choosing not to see because it terrifies me. it is saddening how happy i am to be back. this independence does wonders for me. why am i incapable of being functional there and so on top of it here? its like i know there's no point in trying to do anything well when she will inevitably find some flaw and redo it herself.

all the leaves changed color while i was gone. its so beautiful here. my life is abundant in so many ways. i am frequently happy. the weather is beautiful. i am still empty somehow. maybe its the constant feeling that i am so obviously out of place to everyone around me. i am so certain they know i am Other.

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Everything's growing in our garden
You don't have to know that it's haunted

i cant be with him. i could never hide it forever. i could never choose him over julie. i will never choose him and instead i am dragging him along. i am ruining his life. every second i entertain him is another second he will spend pining for me.

The doctor put her hands over my liver
She told me my resentment's getting smaller

i am trying not to hate girls. truly. i try not to hate them for the way men want them. i try not to hate them for being lovely and kind. i feel like a rotten pulsing putrid thing. i know that no one elses success means i am a failure. no one elses happiness takes anything from me. no ones beauty is a personal attack. i will not allow my own self hatred manifest as hatred towards others. i will not let myself resent people for their hotness or sluttiness or happiness. my failures are mine. my sadness is mine. it begets itself.

No, I'm not afraid of hard work

stop being afraid of the road ahead.

I get everything I want

i do.

I have everything I wanted

this is everything. this was my dream. god, let it be enough. please, please, please let this be enough for me. im tired of wanting more. im tired of not allowing myself to be happy.