mrs scalystone the unhappy feminist

happy new year!

theres a lot in want to do in 2026.

i want to lose weight, i want a boyfriend, i want a 3.5 gpa, i want to cook more and eat more veggies and drink more water.

i want to focus on myself and do what i know makes me happy instead of what i think should make me happy.

i want to assume the best of people.

you come along because i love your face :)

y. texted me and said hes attracted to me and that he likes having my attention. it feels weirdly monumental and satisfying to me. i dont know what i want from him but ive spent 7 years wanting him to like me and he does.

he said "i just think youre amazing"

he thinks im amazing.

we had such a weird toxic friendship. im glad we stopped being friends for a while, i think it was healthy for both of us. i truly don't know if im attracted to him or not. i wonder what he likes about me. i wonder how long hes felt this way. i wonder why he texted me. i wonder what hes feeling.

there was a time when i imagined us together, imagined him as the father of my children. i dont want to speak about his potential future self, but the boy i knew him as would not have made a good father. he was so self important, so pretentious, so much like me (but with less social awareness and more intelligence)

anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger anyway, don't be a stranger

im supposed to see o. at the end of the month. what could i possibly say? i dreamt he texted me and told me all about the things he was doing. im grateful to be single. i dont miss him as much as i should. but i grieve the future i imagined for us. i wish i couldve met him after i did all my life-changing self exploration. he was home at the exact moment where home became stifling. but some day i will want to come home and now i know he wont be there. he wont be there. he doesnt want to be.

went shopping. ive gained so much weight. trying to lock in.

as i was leaving my mom told me she thinks we're going to end up like her and my grandmother. she said, "i think back to our relationship when i was your age, we were close then. but the older i got the more she frustrated me." the older i get the more she frustrates me. the older i get the more incongruent her perception of me is with my reality. she will never speak to me like a peer. it is stifling, suffocating, and unstoppable. maybe she sees something i am choosing not to see because it terrifies me. it is saddening how happy i am to be back. this independence does wonders for me. why am i incapable of being functional there and so on top of it here? its like i know there's no point in trying to do anything well when she will inevitably find some flaw and redo it herself.

all the leaves changed color while i was gone. its so beautiful here. my life is abundant in so many ways. i am frequently happy. the weather is beautiful. i am still empty somehow. maybe its the constant feeling that i am so obviously out of place to everyone around me. i am so certain they know i am Other.

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Everything's growing in our garden
You don't have to know that it's haunted

i cant be with him. i could never hide it forever. i could never choose him over julie. i will never choose him and instead i am dragging him along. i am ruining his life. every second i entertain him is another second he will spend pining for me.

The doctor put her hands over my liver
She told me my resentment's getting smaller

i am trying not to hate girls. truly. i try not to hate them for the way men want them. i try not to hate them for being lovely and kind. i feel like a rotten pulsing putrid thing. i know that no one elses success means i am a failure. no one elses happiness takes anything from me. no ones beauty is a personal attack. i will not allow my own self hatred manifest as hatred towards others. i will not let myself resent people for their hotness or sluttiness or happiness. my failures are mine. my sadness is mine. it begets itself.

No, I'm not afraid of hard work

stop being afraid of the road ahead.

I get everything I want

i do.

I have everything I wanted

this is everything. this was my dream. god, let it be enough. please, please, please let this be enough for me. im tired of wanting more. im tired of not allowing myself to be happy.

things im scared of:

1. being in debt + never finding financial stability

2. never using my degree

3. never having children

4. never being in a long-term relationship

5. never being with o. again / o. never speaking to me

6. never being loved and physically desired by the same person

7. being the ugliest person in a room and everyone knows it

8. being the dumbest person in a room and everyone knows it

9. wishing i had done more with my life

10. my parents dying

be patient. keep going. steady, continuous effort. 4 years of it. it will come to you. you will succeed if you dont give in now. you cant give up. this is money, this is time, this is a risk. prove people wrong. prove yourself wrong.

you are intelligent. you see things others dont. find those skills. practice them. your life is yours, dont live it for other people. i am me, i know who i am. i need to be her.

i decided not to bother talking to c. if the opportunity really presents itself maybe i will change my mind, but i think its for the best not to open up to him. he wanted me on his roster, i gave him the ick or something, hes over it, its hurtful, but i have people in my life that want me and value me.

also im getting attention from someone else which helps. z. is really nice and into me. i had a really good time with him last night (not sexual, we hung out with some friends!) hes skinnier than i would usually go for but he has a cute face. we would have cute babies. maybe im just ovulating.

i have to stop attaching self worth to sexual validation but oh boy it feels good! i have this mentality that if i fuck enough guys ill suddenly feel sexy and good in my body. its ridiculous and it will never happen. but im just not ready to confront that yet. give me a year.

overalls make me so happy and i cant stop listening to leonard cohen

i feel like im dying.

asked c. to be straightforward and asked if he wanted to fuck. he said no. hes been dicking me around by kissing me and ignoring me over for nearly a month now. im so sick of him. i wish i wasn't attracted to him physically because nothing about his personality is appealing.

i miss my ex so much. i feel like we didn't have sexual chemistry but it was so so so domestic, so loving, so comfortable. i knew him and he knew me. we did so much for one another. i felt so loved and wanted and cared for. we started dating when i was 16 and broke up at 18. nearly 2 years. i miss his little accents and sounds and our coffee dates. i wish he was here with me. he was supposed to come to college with me. it would all be so different. i made bad choice after bad choice and now hes gone forever. hes going to be with someone else soon. the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. i want to be his girl. i was his girl.

i have no appetite. i have a sickening sense of dread. i dont know where to go from here. what do i do with myself? i want to ignore c. but doesn't that make me an asshole who only wanted him for sex? but then, what the fuck did he want me for? just to be some girl on his roster? why would i want that? i guess the most pertinent point is he doesn't give a fuck what i want.

i feel like ive ruined my life. i know it wont always feel like that. but it does.

"you let a teenage love decay inside you, now you lie bare for another man whispering lines from movie girls who look nothing like you. its revolting, but you think of breakfast as the headboard squeaks. yes, love swallowed you whole at 17 and you never learned to want again."

fuck me im already starting to view this blog through the eyes of someone else STOP IT STOP IT GET OIUT MY HEAD