mrs scalystone the unhappy feminist

 i am seriously struggling to stay on top of all the work i have to do. trying to keep in mind how badly i want success, opportunities, money, a family. i need to do this. i need to work hard. i never have before, ever. i cant keep floating through life. its not hard. 3 years of work for a lifetime of happiness. i can make that trade. i can do it. 5 papers and thats it. 5 measly papers.

as i was leaving my mom told me she thinks we're going to end up like her and my grandmother. she said, "i think back to our relationship when i was your age, we were close then. but the older i got the more she frustrated me." the older i get the more she frustrates me. the older i get the more incongruent her perception of me is with my reality. she will never speak to me like a peer. it is stifling, suffocating, and unstoppable. maybe she sees something i am choosing not to see because it terrifies me. it is saddening how happy i am to be back. this independence does wonders for me. why am i incapable of being functional there and so on top of it here? its like i know there's no point in trying to do anything well when she will inevitably find some flaw and redo it herself.

all the leaves changed color while i was gone. its so beautiful here. my life is abundant in so many ways. i am frequently happy. the weather is beautiful. i am still empty somehow. maybe its the constant feeling that i am so obviously out of place to everyone around me. i am so certain they know i am Other.

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Everything's growing in our garden
You don't have to know that it's haunted

i cant be with him. i could never hide it forever. i could never choose him over julie. i will never choose him and instead i am dragging him along. i am ruining his life. every second i entertain him is another second he will spend pining for me.

The doctor put her hands over my liver
She told me my resentment's getting smaller

i am trying not to hate girls. truly. i try not to hate them for the way men want them. i try not to hate them for being lovely and kind. i feel like a rotten pulsing putrid thing. i know that no one elses success means i am a failure. no one elses happiness takes anything from me. no ones beauty is a personal attack. i will not allow my own self hatred manifest as hatred towards others. i will not let myself resent people for their hotness or sluttiness or happiness. my failures are mine. my sadness is mine. it begets itself.

No, I'm not afraid of hard work

stop being afraid of the road ahead.

I get everything I want

i do.

I have everything I wanted

this is everything. this was my dream. god, let it be enough. please, please, please let this be enough for me. im tired of wanting more. im tired of not allowing myself to be happy.

seeing him talk to girls makes me feel sick. the way their knees touch, their shoulders touch, eyes for one another. i imagine what she is thinking, how her stomach flutters. is she going to touch him? are they going to fuck? i want everyone to know he is mine. i want to claim him publicly, show him off. i hate the way his eyes wander. why are they so close? why does he turn to look at her? she leans towards him. she thinks she is his. they all think they are his. are they? how does he see them?

am i special for the things ive done to him? does he see me differently? does he think im interesting? does he think about me? or does he imagine her when i am on my knees for him?

I think i want to be owned because it is proof that i am desired. i want him to bruise me, bang up my insides. i dont want to be a pornstar to him, some fill-in for the girls on his phone. i dont need to be his wife. i just want him to want me more than the others. i want there to be a tangible difference in the way he treats me versus other girls.

but what would i do to deserve that? there is nothing i have to offer. i am a cheater. i have used and abused people, i have been sickeningly selfish and taken and taken and taken. this pain is only fair. this is only a fraction of what ive done to others.

i feel like im dying.

asked c. to be straightforward and asked if he wanted to fuck. he said no. hes been dicking me around by kissing me and ignoring me over for nearly a month now. im so sick of him. i wish i wasn't attracted to him physically because nothing about his personality is appealing.

i miss my ex so much. i feel like we didn't have sexual chemistry but it was so so so domestic, so loving, so comfortable. i knew him and he knew me. we did so much for one another. i felt so loved and wanted and cared for. we started dating when i was 16 and broke up at 18. nearly 2 years. i miss his little accents and sounds and our coffee dates. i wish he was here with me. he was supposed to come to college with me. it would all be so different. i made bad choice after bad choice and now hes gone forever. hes going to be with someone else soon. the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. i want to be his girl. i was his girl.

i have no appetite. i have a sickening sense of dread. i dont know where to go from here. what do i do with myself? i want to ignore c. but doesn't that make me an asshole who only wanted him for sex? but then, what the fuck did he want me for? just to be some girl on his roster? why would i want that? i guess the most pertinent point is he doesn't give a fuck what i want.

i feel like ive ruined my life. i know it wont always feel like that. but it does.

"you let a teenage love decay inside you, now you lie bare for another man whispering lines from movie girls who look nothing like you. its revolting, but you think of breakfast as the headboard squeaks. yes, love swallowed you whole at 17 and you never learned to want again."