mrs scalystone the unhappy feminist

 i am seriously struggling to stay on top of all the work i have to do. trying to keep in mind how badly i want success, opportunities, money, a family. i need to do this. i need to work hard. i never have before, ever. i cant keep floating through life. its not hard. 3 years of work for a lifetime of happiness. i can make that trade. i can do it. 5 papers and thats it. 5 measly papers.

i feel like im dying.

asked c. to be straightforward and asked if he wanted to fuck. he said no. hes been dicking me around by kissing me and ignoring me over for nearly a month now. im so sick of him. i wish i wasn't attracted to him physically because nothing about his personality is appealing.

i miss my ex so much. i feel like we didn't have sexual chemistry but it was so so so domestic, so loving, so comfortable. i knew him and he knew me. we did so much for one another. i felt so loved and wanted and cared for. we started dating when i was 16 and broke up at 18. nearly 2 years. i miss his little accents and sounds and our coffee dates. i wish he was here with me. he was supposed to come to college with me. it would all be so different. i made bad choice after bad choice and now hes gone forever. hes going to be with someone else soon. the thought of him with someone else makes me sick. i want to be his girl. i was his girl.

i have no appetite. i have a sickening sense of dread. i dont know where to go from here. what do i do with myself? i want to ignore c. but doesn't that make me an asshole who only wanted him for sex? but then, what the fuck did he want me for? just to be some girl on his roster? why would i want that? i guess the most pertinent point is he doesn't give a fuck what i want.

i feel like ive ruined my life. i know it wont always feel like that. but it does.

"you let a teenage love decay inside you, now you lie bare for another man whispering lines from movie girls who look nothing like you. its revolting, but you think of breakfast as the headboard squeaks. yes, love swallowed you whole at 17 and you never learned to want again."

why am i always horny? its humiliating. im horny for guys im not even attracted to. the second i even brush a guys hand i imagine his cock. is this a symptom of something psychological? some combination of being insecure and sexually frustrated? its torture but at the same time i love it. being slutty feels exhilarating, i feel like i wouldn't mind being an actual slut except i cant for the life of me get dick.

i've been into 3 guys since starting school a month ago and i fucked one of them and kissed another but cant seem to get farther than that. i think he lost interest in me once the chase was over and he knew he could fuck me. kind of upset he didn't. it makes me wonder if im unattractive or unfuckable.

the guy that i fucked in the second week of school was so unattractive that he repulses me now. he was so insecure it made him deeply unmasculine in a way that grossed me out. i could feel his insecurity radiating off him. im surprised he didnt go soft. it was shitty and i knew it would be. but i wanted dick and he was there.

im a bad person.