sickness

seeing him talk to girls makes me feel sick. the way their knees touch, their shoulders touch, eyes for one another. i imagine what she is thinking, how her stomach flutters. is she going to touch him? are they going to fuck? i want everyone to know he is mine. i want to claim him publicly, show him off. i hate the way his eyes wander. why are they so close? why does he turn to look at her? she leans towards him. she thinks she is his. they all think they are his. are they? how does he see them?

am i special for the things ive done to him? does he see me differently? does he think im interesting? does he think about me? or does he imagine her when i am on my knees for him?

I think i want to be owned because it is proof that i am desired. i want him to bruise me, bang up my insides. i dont want to be a pornstar to him, some fill-in for the girls on his phone. i dont need to be his wife. i just want him to want me more than the others. i want there to be a tangible difference in the way he treats me versus other girls.

but what would i do to deserve that? there is nothing i have to offer. i am a cheater. i have used and abused people, i have been sickeningly selfish and taken and taken and taken. this pain is only fair. this is only a fraction of what ive done to others.