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lover lover lover
Oct. 30th, 2025 11:05 ami am lonely and i am happiest alone, in the palace of my mind. people are not who they say they are, not until you've known them for many years. who people say they are is who they want to be, and if you take them at their word you will be proven wrong. to know someone you have to see them for many years and through many events that challenge them. you have to see someone through occasions where where they must choose between the person they want to be and the person they are.
there are a few people i love, and they know me. they love me even though they know me and i am grateful for this. i am thankful for forgiveness and i wonder about the evolutionary benefit of it. the ability to forgive makes me think that we are meant to be in small groups of interconnected peoples who love each other very much. if we are around endless people who all like us just enough, one slip-up is reason to abandon the relationship. why maintain connection with someone morally bankrupt (or even just a little annoying) if there are millions more eager to spend meaningless time with us, constantly performing for one another, an indescribably complex game where the rules are unwritten and the winners only goal is to leave the interaction thinking "that was good. i am good."
i would like to be known by a wider range of people, but 1. many are not interested in this kind of intimacy 2. the amount of people i have to go through in order to find one who wants to know me is tiring and this ratio is embarrassingly small 3. people anger and irritate me more often than i think is normal
i am trapped in this body and i beg god to let me start again with something fair and desirable. god refuses these requests. i think he has abandoned me but he has not, he has made me and he can not change me now that the game has already begun. my life is all that i choose to make of what he has given me, nothing more.
"then let me start again" i cried, "please let me start again. i want a face thats fair this time, i want a spirit that is calm"
it is cold in october which makes me feel happy and reassured that i have many years yet to live. i hope i am a mother one day. i would like to have a baby by the time i am 30.
there are a few people i love, and they know me. they love me even though they know me and i am grateful for this. i am thankful for forgiveness and i wonder about the evolutionary benefit of it. the ability to forgive makes me think that we are meant to be in small groups of interconnected peoples who love each other very much. if we are around endless people who all like us just enough, one slip-up is reason to abandon the relationship. why maintain connection with someone morally bankrupt (or even just a little annoying) if there are millions more eager to spend meaningless time with us, constantly performing for one another, an indescribably complex game where the rules are unwritten and the winners only goal is to leave the interaction thinking "that was good. i am good."
i would like to be known by a wider range of people, but 1. many are not interested in this kind of intimacy 2. the amount of people i have to go through in order to find one who wants to know me is tiring and this ratio is embarrassingly small 3. people anger and irritate me more often than i think is normal
i am trapped in this body and i beg god to let me start again with something fair and desirable. god refuses these requests. i think he has abandoned me but he has not, he has made me and he can not change me now that the game has already begun. my life is all that i choose to make of what he has given me, nothing more.
"then let me start again" i cried, "please let me start again. i want a face thats fair this time, i want a spirit that is calm"
it is cold in october which makes me feel happy and reassured that i have many years yet to live. i hope i am a mother one day. i would like to have a baby by the time i am 30.
